Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?