*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
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The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.