*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
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[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not