*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
You Might Also Like
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Need this in my life lol
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭