Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

This is hilarious

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?