@dollfaceiam

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

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@ClichedOut

COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@Burger_Time_

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand

@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning

@xoCAMILLAxo

I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I’ll go back to paper!

@truegritrumble

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

@BradBroaddus

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”