COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
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My 12yo son’s protip:
Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math
Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand
Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning
I bought a toilet brush at the store the other day but it kind of hurts so I think I’ll go back to paper!
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”