*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.