*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.