[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Getting married soon just need a spouse
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
