[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
