[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
All set.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
