Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.