Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
You Might Also Like
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
COP: pull over
ME: no it’s a cardigan
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
her: you look nice
barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.