[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.


Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”


Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial


“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever


So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.


netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex


Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*


Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?