Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
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I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: are you married?
Me: your wife know about that?