Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.