[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl