[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Somebody call the cops.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote