[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
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boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.