Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Fruity

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

W