Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers