*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.