*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.