*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
good morning
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
2022 be like
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.