*pokes sex life with a stick
You Might Also Like
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]