*pokes sex life with a stick
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
grotesque if literal: baby food
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?