*pokes sex life with a stick
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#titanic
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
sigh
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?