*pokes sex life with a stick

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her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!


Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.


Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.


I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.


a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke


Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore


What did watching Cinderella teach us?


It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.


ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns


Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.


*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?