*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being