*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
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me doing my best
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Plant care tips
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq