*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
You Might Also Like
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd