[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
An odd boast
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Got ya covered
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”