[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
The Friday File.
