[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
You Might Also Like
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
girls literally only want one thing..
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
She: I like Cats
He: