[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
No point crayon over spilled milk.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
so much to do
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”