[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards