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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit