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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?