Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?