[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You Might Also Like
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Please keep my family in your thoughts. Our microwave broke, and we have to wait an hour for a baked potato.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
🤣✨#caturday
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.