[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell