[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.