[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.