Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Day 2 of my diet

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?