Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

“Live each day like it’s your last”

Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.