Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.