Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.