Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You Might Also Like
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
when mom throws a party…
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.