*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.