police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
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Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.