police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
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A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
IT’S-A ME,
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I’d use my best pan on you.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!