Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?

do u think theres a butter planet?

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.