Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet

Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place

While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.