Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
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Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]