Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Always this one for me forever
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
