Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
May have had one breakfast too many
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
