Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

I have obtained a hat

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Lmfao

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”