[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
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DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*