Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

When I grow up, I want to be 16

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.