Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

DOOO EEEET

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Finally, an explanation.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?

Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes

Therapist: So around what, five?

Me: Seven this morning

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?