Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

grandpa was shocked

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.