Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
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*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.