Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see your IQ test came back negative

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

True

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]