Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

(first week into weight watchers)

You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!