Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”