Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

reduce, reuse, recycle

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.