Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks