Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Very good! 👍😂

This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

Become a minion. Get that bread.

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”