Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

How I’d get arrested…

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it