Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*

Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.

Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.

Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.

Me: Leave the military out of this.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

mice after a breakup be like “we are not on squeaking terms”

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.