The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”
How to Be a Librarian:
2. but iSHHHHH
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
NURSE: Doctor, I’ve lost the cat’s pulse
VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
HIM: Hi, I’m John.
ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.