Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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wife: i found drugs in our son’s bedroom, talk to him
me: ok so your mom’s a narc
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour