Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.