Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
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“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Noted.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”
😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
just witnessed a drug deal
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong