I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I love it all
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Salad is the decaf of food.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how