POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
You Might Also Like
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
