Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?