Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

[dollar store orientation]

trainer: and how much does this cost?

me: um, a dollar?

trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.